coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
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My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do