Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I forgot how to panic. Help
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
🤣🤣🤣
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I put the hot in psychotic.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.