Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
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What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan