Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Incredible customer service.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
This took me a second..