@turtledumplin: Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he's going to the clinic for a 'work related' injury.
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@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "I'm tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I'm leaving you." Me: "You'll be back."
@ReeseButCallMeV: I just cleaned out my purse. So, I'll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
@FrogAvalanche: -Where was I conceived, dad? Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas. -Rly? Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?