[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
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The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over