The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
secret recipe
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake