Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
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With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God