Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
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Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*