Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
crazy
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Mood.. 😂
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.