@Adam14: Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That'll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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@thesulk: "I got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losin' control." Buddy, you got stomach flu.
@Thynebear: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists. [interviewer thinking] holy smokes he's good
@BiscuitFloater: Pro tip: Next time you're at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper "Hey, wanna get outta here?" If she says yes, you can sit where she was.