Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
You Might Also Like
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession