[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
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Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.