Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
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Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire