Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
6: are snakes just neck?
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.