journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
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the prophecies have been fulfilled
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
May never get over this
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.