COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.