“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
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Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
my proudest tweet
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Not now. I’m deglazing.