@AristotlesNZ: Coworker just asked me if I'm "working hard or hardly working" & now I'm standing over him asking if he's "bleeding bad or badly bleeding?"
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@WhaJoTalkinBout: For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
@thepunningman: Snail Boss: under skills you've put 'quick reflexes' Snail: [2 hours later] that's right SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
@Rich_McCarthy: Check for bed bugs by yelling "Gee, I'm so happy there are no bed bugs here!", and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
@CorkyKneivel: If your girlfriend says "my pyramid is late..." Know two things: 1. Your hearing is poor 2. That's not your biggest problem right now