I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
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coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks