*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
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[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God