My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
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NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.