Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”