Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
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“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
This rocks
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.