Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
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Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Sign of the day..
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
What kind of a cult is this?
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.