Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
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In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
my astrological sign is a french fry
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”