interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Adultry does not sound fun at all
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.