It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
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Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
We need to put an American base on the sun
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.