COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
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him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Happy Taco Tuesday
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager