Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Genius idea!!
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra