[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
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“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
every college guy’s fridge
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself