Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
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If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
handsome & gretel
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
All excellent questions
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
🖤✌🏽
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King