Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
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Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Thursday
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o