I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
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“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?