Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
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I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
*pokes sex life with a stick
i baked you a cake
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Seems legit
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
May have had one breakfast too many