Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
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[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?