Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
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If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃槅 Easy assemble?
I don鈥檛 drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Hubs: You wouldn鈥檛 believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid鈥檚 piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
It鈥檚 called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I want what they have
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 馃幎
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 馃泚
It鈥檚 weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I鈥檇 do it for a Costco hot dog
Mother鈥檚 Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*