coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
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I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it