Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy