Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
You Might Also Like
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
nobody’s gonna understand
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.