coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
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Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did