coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
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Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
bought wrong eggs
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
The fall of Netflix
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM