COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
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When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Love it! 👍😂
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.