COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
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Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”