Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
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Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
New menu item
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back