Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
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You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.