Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
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I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
‘I know a black person’
– White people
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.