Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
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Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
incredible text to wake up to
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.