I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
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I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Strange
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
getting groceries
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”