Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.