Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
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What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved