Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
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I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
We’ve come full circle
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.