[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
You Might Also Like
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
What my back needs
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single