[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
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Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened